Maybe I’d Never Make A Beautiful Writer
Before I started this piece, which I have no idea…
I promise, it’s the last Christmas post I’d be making this year. You know this time of the month comes with a whole lot of nostalgia. Apparently the best word for it is the new slang “christmassy” (as I know the word now and I’ve finally used it, does it qualify me as a cool kid yet??) . There are a few things that are like quite compulsory in 85% of Nigerian homes during this December period. So I made a list, feel free to add anything I’ve forgotten right at the comment section.
Wait wait, don’t attack me yet, but you know to be Christmas ready you have to be harmattan ready. If you are among the 2% of fortunate people who don’t get their lips chapped during this season, my brothers and sisters you don’t even know what God has done for you. Lip gloss for the girls and Vaseline for the guys who feel it’s feminine using lip gloss. One time, I wasn’t concerned about my lips and it got really chapped and started to bleed. The bleeding wasn’t my problem, the painful thing is that I couldn’t enjoy my Christmas food because if pepper comes close to your chapped lips, you’d know that this life is not a bed of roses (don’t ask me what bed of roses has to do with anything).
Gather round “Game of thrones” fans, please tell us who this white walker guy is and why he looks like harmattan just had a nice time with his body. To be Christmas ready, you just have to make sure your body is not dry and broken. Nobody wants to kiss chapped lips under the mistletoe yunno.
2. FAMILY LUNCH/DINNER
I want to take out time to appreciate these guys up there before we start to talk about how they come through for us on festive periods. I mean, think about being with your family all year long, being fed and next thing your life is being snatched from you just for enjoyment purposes.
Most families have dinners at night and all but the type of dinner during Christmas is different. For some years now in my home, I barely see my brothers because we are mostly in different locations, school and work mostly. But everyone makes sure to be home at least for 25th December and January 1st and we all eat together. If we are in the village with our cousins there’s just this rule made by the ancestral father’s of Christmas day that everyone must eat together. This certain joy comes with it. I know it happens in a lot of families or is mine just that dramatic? Those guys up there end up coming through along side big bowls of jollof rice or fried rice. Some other animals would let down their life too for the festive period, it depends on each family and their preference. P.S: christmas rice & chicken doesn’t taste like regular day rice & chicken, don’t argue with me 😂😂.
3. TEXT MESSAGES
Take the phone of the person next to you on the 24th night or 31st night of December, check their drafts or just try to click on “paste”, fam you will legit find a Christmas/New year text waiting to be distributed to many people. The telecom services don’t even have strength because they have a way to make the network shaky and that message you planned would hit someone’s phone by 12:00am would be a few minutes late.
Here is a hack, send that message by 11:58pm, you just might still be the first to wish them a Merry Christmas or a Happy New Year. Thank me later.
Then you will see the whatsapp broadcast family, I can’t even deal right now, is there a way to block broadcasts? Most of them will even include the name of the person that sent it to them and just forward it to you. Please edit your messages before you hit the forward button this year, if you want to make us feel special, take extra caution while at it.
4. FIREWORKS/ FIRECRACKERS(knockout)
Is Christmas even Christmas without banger???
No matter how much these guys have been banned for security reasons, hearing the sound of fireworks or seeing it up in the sky just gives you this quick reminder in your head that “Christmas is upon us”. Permit me to tell a Christmas prank story (I rather let this story out now or else I’d make a blog post about it and I won’t want you guys sleeping on me 😀). This one time, firecrackers were banned by our parents because I lit one up and threw in my cousin’s pocket and he got injured. My mum keeps telling the story whenever she hears the sound of banger outside. This other time my brothers were climbing up the stairs and I threw match sticks at them, you should have seen them run because they thought it was a firecracker 😂😂😂 (roll your eyes all you want, it was funny). Here is to all the parents out there: Please buy your kids knockouts so they won’t have to steal your money to get it and to uncles that buy in bundles, please give to us that are older, it’s grow we grow, we didn’t kill anybody. We want to throw banger too.
5. VILLAGE VACATION
Unless your parents are grandparents and everyone comes to the family house together to celebrate the holidays, the rest of you should start packing your bags. Keep your car wash money aside because the dusty village roads didn’t come to play with you, it must do it’s job. It’s like a rule for Igbo people to go to their villages every Christmas. Right now my parents are here deliberating on who’s state we should go to first. I’m here wishing I could have a say of my own and tell them I actually want to stay back at home or just go on a vacation else where.
6. COURTESY CALLS/VISITS
I feel like most times these village elders write names of people coming home and decide on days to visit them. Then the hit you with the “don’t you remember me? I came to the city when you were born to visit” Okay grams, if you visited when I was born, how am I meant to remember you though? Then they would ask when you’re bringing home a husband or a wife. This year if my mum dresses up to go on courtesy visits, she would need a strong rope to drag me with her because yet again this year, I did not come home with any husband and I am out of fake laughs to give. They always sit at the village square and expect you to share greetings while introducing yourself over and over again.
If you don’t go for at least one wedding this month or maybe get invited to one, fam do check yourself because everything isn’t okay. I asked my mum why people get married this time of the year and she explained that the weather is always the best during December, which is true though. Weddings aside, most states have things to celebrate, carnivals, shows, it’s the festive season for a reason believe me.
This is me calling out Abriba people of Abia state and asking them why they have many festivities going on between now and January. Also Yoruba people, oya nau, it’s owambe season, time for those hash tags on SM.
I would have added the return of the abroad people to the tradition but it will have me talking about “Malaysian boys” and I don’t want to be one of those people.
Did I miss any Nigerian Christmas traditions? Let me know in the comment section.
Happy holidays from your favorite girl, WhiteNigerianGirl.