Fear and Self-doubt have become my best friends. I…
Reader’s discretion: This is a sad post.
I was having thoughts earlier on how life is just never fair to most of us. Not just with love and maybe being wealthy enough but mostly life generally (with the love and money thing inclusive). Earlier today I had random questions of “why nots” in my head and those questions keep revolving without any answers. There’s so much to being human and the sad truth is that we just might not be as enough as we want to and while trying to be it, we just might get old and not live the moments happening around us. Sounds like I’m babbling much? Here’s what I mean…
Being human for me means a lot of things:
1. MASTERING THE ART OF ACCEPTANCE: Every morning I have a default wake up time of 6:25 (which is so sad considering I have no job yet and I need to enjoy my jobless mornings before its too late 😭😭) and whenever I do, after my quick prayers I click on this image on my phone that says “I am enough”. Now here’s the question, Am I really enough? Being human isn’t enough reason to think you are enough, knowing your insecurities and your flaws and being blind to it is all the evidence to show that you are not enough. I can only mostly say I am really enough when I’m 92 and I know I have lived every moment without regrets (just maybe a few regrets). I’m up for thought changing, maybe to you, saying you are enough really gives you a happy different feeling, but learning to accept that you are really not enough is when you start to achieve one purpose of being human.
2. FIGHTING YOUR DEMONS The battle in my head is most times too much for me to handle. People scream “haters” everyday but have you ever had your head give you a hate speech before? Have you ever had your own head judge you? I constantly hear voices in my head, if you’ve never experienced this, you don’t know how lucky you are. The negativity of the world is nothing compared to the one I deal with in my head. Whenever I have a real life situation to handle, there goes those tiny soothing voices telling me to be lazy and not have a care in the world, that las las everything go dy alright . That struggle is the greatest one of being human for me. Being human for me is a daily dose of mental fights.
3. FINDING YOUR HAPPY PLACE To me, my happy place is not really a place, my happy place is a living thing. I’m the happiest when I’m around my friends. I battle with depression sometimes but I can’t talk to anyone about it because you know how life is, unless it’s a legit counsellor, everyone has their problem to add as you’re telling them your own. Like maybe you want to rant to someone and boom! the person cuts in and is ranting back about their own personal problem and you find yourself feeling sorry for them. I haven’t really found my happy place yet (the person who I’m the happiest with, who isn’t judgy and is always there to listen and kind enough to suggest solutions). It’s even worse now I’m at home doing nothing oh apart from my mum judging me for every spoon of food I take in.
4. STAYING SANE I do whatever there is to stay sane. Eat, drain my data on YouTube videos, travel, go clubbing, buy things not even minding if I’d be broke after it. I just like to do about whatever makes me stay sane. My environment affects me a lot, if you catch me alone in a quiet place, please drag me out for my sake because I’m busy drowning in my own thoughts. Staying sane is one of the hardest things for me and it’s worse when my account is beeping red (days like that are the actual worst). I didn’t add downloading movies to the list, but lately my phone doesn’t accept memory cards and I don’t know why and shit like this gets me worked up. Whenever I get worked up, I’m always like fuck it man, abeg what’s the trendiest show on YouTube, let’s burn this data and fuck shit up 😂😂. But for real though, my mental health really means a lot to me.
5. LETTING GOD HAPPEN If you don’t believe in God, it’s fine but the major thing here is what I’m about to say and this has nothing to do with God. Whatever you believe guides you in this life, just let it do it’s turn in your life. Being human means not stressing all the time, like do your part and let your spirit guide do the rest. Like do your human part and chill. I am the queen of stressing and overthinking but I think I still need to acquire the skill of learning to take a chill pill. I know what my 5 year plan is career wise and even if you ask me my 10 year plan, I can even tell you, balls down to me stressing and over thinking it and forgetting my spirit guide just might have other plans. Being human for me means I would always over think these things and until I learn to calm down half the time, I’d keep breaking into depression and anxiety.
Being human for me is a lot of work on its own and until you understand how to handle most things and be happy, you’re not doing it right. For me, the goal is to be happy. I can’t believe I made a whole long ass post without even thinking it through. Since the main aim of me blogging is to put it down as it is in my head, here goes one of those sucky sad posts that leave you giving a sigh of relief. If this isn’t a way to sign out, then I don’t even know.
Sidenote: I am not suicidal, so no matter how sad I sound about life most times, I’m never going to slit my arm or hang myself. There’s so much to enjoy in this sick sad world and I’m not giving up on that fun for nobody. I haven’t even seen what my great grand kids look like 😏. I don’t even know what you guys would look like when you’re old, I need to make old people jokes on y’all yo!