MAYBE I’M A FRAUD. MAYBE YOU ARE TOO
Imposter syndrome. That’s the most decent way of saying I…
Economics was my least favourite subject in secondary school. Asides from hating anything that involves calculation or basic mathematics, also, I wouldn’t say I liked to cram things. The subject had many things said by many people; my young brain was more interested in other issues. It’s strange to say that one of the quotes helping me finesse through life is from one of those lengthy and tedious Economics class, it says, “human needs are insatiable”. I have no idea who’s quote it is, but I’m sure my Economics teacher Mr Ethelbert must be having a proud moment right now.
It’s the first day of May 2021, and all I can think of is how I turn 25 in the next nine days. I wake up every morning with a lot of pending questions;
“How did I grow up so fast?”
“What have I achieved in the last 24 years?”
“Why don’t I have a million dollars in my account.”
“Why am I not married to the love of my life yet?”
The funny thing is that with each question comes the next question, and there’s never an answer to any of them. Now, this is where that quote from the economics class comes in. I’ve grown to realise that my needs are insatiable; with each new year, I forget to be grateful for the things I’ve achieved.
Last year when my phone went bad, I swear I would have given anything for a new phone. I made excuses around my creativity and blamed it on my spoilt phone. I always said, “if I get a new phone, I will do this… I will do that”, the universe must be having a good laugh.
It will only get better when I let myself believe that my needs are insatiable. Being human is all about chasing rainbows; it’s almost the same feeling as chasing the moon. Remember that long night drive home after a family hang out and your nine-year-old self is just looking out of the window to the moon? How it follows you and no matter how far you go, it doesn’t end until morning? The same with the rainbow; you somehow never get to see where it starts from. It’s the same with your goals, with every achieved one, you feel the urge to start another path that leads to another goal. To what end? What exactly are we trying to achieve with all of this?
If you give extra thought to it, you would realise that life happens to all of us at different paces. The growth I have reached within my years in life might be insignificant to me but someone else, it’s a milestone, something to celebrate; it’s the first level to their next big thing.
On different life journeys, we are endlessly chasing rainbows. Never compare your journey to that of the next person, they might look like they have it figured out but in all honesty, each of us is trying to figure it out. Doubt me? Check the conversations I’ve had with creatives; it’s what they tell you; no one knows where their growth strategy would lead them to; it’s all a trial and error kind of thing.
So as I turn 25 in nine days, I’d keep chasing rainbows. I’d keep trying, and even if I fail, I will try again. I’d stop wondering why my mates are married and I’m chugging on a bottle of vodka at 3 am. I’d stop wondering if my soulmate really exists because what if in my journey, I’m destined to meet amazing people who end up being more than soulmates to me.
There’s so much to live for. Stop putting deadlines in your life. No rule says you need to have it all figured at any age. We’re all just winging it.
It’s your first time on earth, embrace your journey & stop trying to see the end of the rainbow.
Listen to Bazzi’s song “Conversations with myself”, maybe it’s for you too. https://music.apple.com/ng/album/conversations-with-myself/1475805810?i=1475805826