Fear and Self-doubt have become my best friends. I…
Self-reflection has become a part of my adult life. I turned 26 in May, and somehow, I feel I’m not grown enough to be an adult. After my birthday, I packed my bag and left for home. I was too overwhelmed by emotions to be in my space. I needed the comfort of my mother, who is fast becoming my best friend. These days I find myself comfortably talking to her about everything, my job, men, and the dreaded topic of sex.
In May, I started the month with a broken heart. I cried my way into my birthday week. I haven’t written a public piece about the hurt I felt and still feel. No, I’m not in denial. I’ve accepted the hurt, the truth, and I’m living in the realities of every good moment of that love story. I haven’t written about it publicly because no words will be enough to express the things I felt while curled up in my bed, crying from dawn until sunset. I didn’t let my brain keep track of the date, but I let myself cry into May. I came home and told my mother I didn’t want to talk about it and her response to my sad face was the words I had become so familiar with “forget him”.
I tried to tilt my writing career in May, as I do every other month. I enjoy writing; it’s become my superpower. Being able to conjure letters into words and words into sentences isn’t a skill everyone has. Therefore I am learning to take pride in my gift, or should I call it talent? In the first week of May, I had conversations with someone about writing pitches for magazines. She gave lots of encouragement and told me the first steps to take. I was too chicken to send a pitch, but I spent hours reading the articles in some of these magazines. The signs were everywhere; everything dropped a hint, a whisper to write that first pitch. So I did.
On my birthday, the 10th day of May and the second week of the month, I woke up at 3 am. I had birthday butterflies in my stomach. After I said my prayers and wrote a letter to God, I decided to pitch. I chose Refinery29, and my pitch was about this one time I was anorexic without knowing what the word meant. I hit the send button and tried to sleep; I couldn’t because who gets sleep on their birthday? If you do, lucky you, because I don’t.
After my birthday, I sent more pitches. They say your first pitch is all the confidence you need to keep pitching. So I kept on pitching. I got a mail back from the guys at Refinery29, something about annual leave. I had mixed feelings. For one, I was excited my pitch had made it across the shores of Nigeria. I was glad my mail was in the same inbox as other talented writers. But I felt bad my pitch, until today, wasn’t accepted even after sending a follow-up mail.
I pitched some more (sorry for how much I’ve used the word pitch, that’s all I did in May). I got my first shot at a byline. A top magazine accepted my pitch in the UK. Another mail followed, a rejection mail from SheKnows. An acceptance mail from FemmeMag. A “get back to me in a few months” mail from Reader’s Digest. In all of these, I haven’t written for any magazine yet. The reasons I might have the courage to share in the future.
In May, my faith in God got a balance. I’m a Christain, but I used to be a dwindling one. Close to God when I need a miracle and far away when I don’t hear back from Him. I used to treat my faith and trust in God like a toy. Do you know that one toy you go back to when the new ones become boring? That used to be me. Well, I’m happy that’s in the past. My Christian faith has grown to a place where I can’t do some things unless I feel the nudge from the Holy Spirit. I also played in a Christain Game Night, and guess who won? Me! The highlight of this year must include how close to God I’ve become. Situations have set me on this path to know God for myself, and I can’t imagine going back. God help me.
It’s June already, and when this month ends, I hope my self-reflection will include a byline from a decent magazine, a good-paying remote job and a God-loving/God-fearing man to drown in my love.